I can not even begin to count the number of times I have heard men say to me, "I don't know how you move like that! I certainly couldn't!" after they have watched me dance. Although this may sound like I am tooting my own horn (which I am a little), there is a deeper issue that is yearning to be explored.
Recently I attended a small Maine Loves Zumba meeting, a meeting where all the Zumba instructors from Southern Maine get together and organize an event. I am always the only man and, as it turns out, the women present specifically asked me why they cant get or keep male attendance in their classes. I tried to answer the question as briefly but accurately as possible, but the answer is extremely complex and I don't feel I did it justice.
As I delve deeper into Fire in the Belly and my own existence as a man, certain things become slightly more clear. Sam Keen asserts that men and women are victims of the "warfare system". A system of national readiness to fight and defend patriotism, masculinity and perpetuate capitalism. Interestingly enough, Howard Zinn sheds a little more light on this phenomena in his fantastic book, A History of the United States. The U.S., explains Zinn, has never been the completely equal and altruistic state that some like to believe it is. Zinn argues that in order to divert class anger away from the structures of power soaking up all the wealth and prosperity, the state filters it into foreign wars and imperative political issues thus illustrating a common understanding that if a state is at war, it is healthy and has few internal conflicts. All attention is diverted to external sources. What Keen argues is that perpetually fighting foreign wars, being on a state of high alert from terrorists etc, is molding the male body into rigid, aggressive forms and shaping the male mind into a patriotic tool.
"So men, the designated warriors, gradually form 'character armor,' a pattern of muscular tension and rigidity that freezes them into the posture that is appropriate only for fighting- shoulders back, chest out, stomach pulled in, anal sphincter tight, balls drawn up into the body as far as possible, eyes narrowed, breathing foreshortened and anxious, heart rate accelerated, testosterone in full flow. The warriors body is perpetually uptight and ready to fight." Fire in the Belly p.41
When I first read this passage I thought of the typical testosterone-filled weight room where men scream at each other to lift big, black discs into the air as if the world depended on it. This is a very insidious problem, not only do many men encourage this behavior, they reject the more "feminine" aspects of movement found in dance. Even worse, men believe that because they were born male, they do not posses the qualities necessary for creative, free movement.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Exercising as Meditation
I was finally able to meet with Daryl Conant today at the Fitness Nuthouse. Although I did not get a training regimen, the information I was able to gather was far more important.
Meditating daily has helped me gain self-control and awareness but I am still looking to elevate my consciousness and control over body and mind. Weight lifting and exercise offer a perfect opportunity for that practice!
My goal is now to meditate while lifting, to deeply focus on the muscle tissue, what it looks like, how I want it to look, to feel the nerves firing in the tissue, to breath oxygen to the muscle, to gain complete control. This is what Daryl describes as being the way he sees progress in his body and mind on a daily basis and I plan to emulate that behavior.
Meditating daily has helped me gain self-control and awareness but I am still looking to elevate my consciousness and control over body and mind. Weight lifting and exercise offer a perfect opportunity for that practice!
My goal is now to meditate while lifting, to deeply focus on the muscle tissue, what it looks like, how I want it to look, to feel the nerves firing in the tissue, to breath oxygen to the muscle, to gain complete control. This is what Daryl describes as being the way he sees progress in his body and mind on a daily basis and I plan to emulate that behavior.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Leaving Behind the World of WOMAN
I have started and stopped Fire in the Belly numerous times over the past few years, but I finally feel ready to complete it. I just started it again and I already have questions and thoughts worth exploring. This should remain a personal exploration, with personal opinions, fears, doubts and revelations. Journey...now!
Sam Keen dismantles the notion that we currently live in a man's world. Yes, we tend to make more money than women, we tend to hold far greater and more influential positions of power, yet, as Sam Keen suggests, we are desperately trying to create our own identity, our own separate existence from that of WOMAN (WOMAN is in all caps because Keen believes it is the best way to convey a more spiritual, intangible power presented by the female sex that men are unconsciously saturated with. Even regular women are unaware of this awe inducing power).
WOMAN as Goddess and Creatrix:
" As creatrix, WOMAN addresses an inescapable challenge to a man to justify his existence. She gives birth to meaning out of her body. Biology alone assures her of a destiny, of making a significant contribution to the ongoing drama of life.p18" This, I feel, is very true but not often realized by either men or women. Many women that I know of hate the very idea of childbirth. I look at a natural birth and have feelings and visions of deep beauty and connectedness, some people see a hospital bend, IV's, a screaming bloody mess etc.
I think, perhaps, the best idealization of childbirth is described by Ohiyesa in The Wisdom of the Native Americans, "She meets the ordeal of childbirth alone, where no curious or pitying eyes might embarrass her; where all nature says to her spirit: 'It is love! It is love! The fulfilling of life!p.99'" As a man, that is truly awe inspiring and I certainly feel some level of envy! How amazing would it be not only to witness creation out of your own body, but to walk around with the deep understanding that life-giving is inherently your capability? That simply because of your existence as a female, you literally give birth to life, the most prized and thought about thing in all the universe. As a man, how do I rationalize my own existence against that? What meaning can I possibly embody that will equal hers? Should that be my goal, to have as deep a meaning as hers? This is where Keen essentially acknowledges that the journey to find your manhood, to feel fire in the belly, begins.
I agree to a certain extent with Keen as he explains that men, when confronted with the awe inspiring creation of birth, come face to face with their existence/meaning and are stumped for an answer. " In response to the power of the goddess, man creates himself in the image of a god he imagines has fabricated the world like a craftsman working with a blueprint to shape matter into meaningful objects. Much of the meaning men attribute to their work is a response to the question posed to us by WOMAN's capacity to give life.p18" Damn! That's awesome, scary and everything in between!
I have often pondered the meaning of life and one of the conclusions that I have come to is that there isn't any. I don't believe that life happened for a reason, I am unsure of whether we have all been created by some omnipotent power, but I'm strongly leaning towards the "no, we have not" side. It is far more amazing to ponder the possibility that life just popped up out of numerous physical processes and has given rise to a wondrous diversity of life full of beauty and mystery! More interesting, my species, humans, has an incredibly advanced brain and we have the capacity to create the mere concept of meaning and exist with it!
Yes, women can give childbirth, possibly one of the most beautiful things in the universe. It gives me satisfaction to realize that I am an important member of a species that can create life at will through love, compassion and other means. The key here being that I believe that I am an important member, I can choose to partake in creating life, or abstain and behold...the choice is mine. This, obviously, is not the answer to the question posed by WOMAN, but now that question is wide open for me to explore as a man!
Sam Keen dismantles the notion that we currently live in a man's world. Yes, we tend to make more money than women, we tend to hold far greater and more influential positions of power, yet, as Sam Keen suggests, we are desperately trying to create our own identity, our own separate existence from that of WOMAN (WOMAN is in all caps because Keen believes it is the best way to convey a more spiritual, intangible power presented by the female sex that men are unconsciously saturated with. Even regular women are unaware of this awe inducing power).
WOMAN as Goddess and Creatrix:
" As creatrix, WOMAN addresses an inescapable challenge to a man to justify his existence. She gives birth to meaning out of her body. Biology alone assures her of a destiny, of making a significant contribution to the ongoing drama of life.p18" This, I feel, is very true but not often realized by either men or women. Many women that I know of hate the very idea of childbirth. I look at a natural birth and have feelings and visions of deep beauty and connectedness, some people see a hospital bend, IV's, a screaming bloody mess etc.
I think, perhaps, the best idealization of childbirth is described by Ohiyesa in The Wisdom of the Native Americans, "She meets the ordeal of childbirth alone, where no curious or pitying eyes might embarrass her; where all nature says to her spirit: 'It is love! It is love! The fulfilling of life!p.99'" As a man, that is truly awe inspiring and I certainly feel some level of envy! How amazing would it be not only to witness creation out of your own body, but to walk around with the deep understanding that life-giving is inherently your capability? That simply because of your existence as a female, you literally give birth to life, the most prized and thought about thing in all the universe. As a man, how do I rationalize my own existence against that? What meaning can I possibly embody that will equal hers? Should that be my goal, to have as deep a meaning as hers? This is where Keen essentially acknowledges that the journey to find your manhood, to feel fire in the belly, begins.
I agree to a certain extent with Keen as he explains that men, when confronted with the awe inspiring creation of birth, come face to face with their existence/meaning and are stumped for an answer. " In response to the power of the goddess, man creates himself in the image of a god he imagines has fabricated the world like a craftsman working with a blueprint to shape matter into meaningful objects. Much of the meaning men attribute to their work is a response to the question posed to us by WOMAN's capacity to give life.p18" Damn! That's awesome, scary and everything in between!
I have often pondered the meaning of life and one of the conclusions that I have come to is that there isn't any. I don't believe that life happened for a reason, I am unsure of whether we have all been created by some omnipotent power, but I'm strongly leaning towards the "no, we have not" side. It is far more amazing to ponder the possibility that life just popped up out of numerous physical processes and has given rise to a wondrous diversity of life full of beauty and mystery! More interesting, my species, humans, has an incredibly advanced brain and we have the capacity to create the mere concept of meaning and exist with it!
Yes, women can give childbirth, possibly one of the most beautiful things in the universe. It gives me satisfaction to realize that I am an important member of a species that can create life at will through love, compassion and other means. The key here being that I believe that I am an important member, I can choose to partake in creating life, or abstain and behold...the choice is mine. This, obviously, is not the answer to the question posed by WOMAN, but now that question is wide open for me to explore as a man!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Fire in the Belly
"Almost without exception the women came because they realized that after a lifetime of trying to relate to men they still didn't understand them." - Sam Keen
This passage from Fire in the Belly gave me an unexpected reaction, I got angry. I wanted to shout out that women have no right to understand men, you will never understand me! You have treated me so poorly! Immediately I was mindful of my anger and looked deeper. I realized that this reaction is at the heart of what I am trying to do as a human being in my life right now; embody myself so deeply that no one can take it away.
I realize that I have been deeply scarred by women, my mind and compassion have been abused and taken for granted, my body and spirit unappreciated...my existence as a man, a male, a sex of an entire species has been wholly overlooked. My goal is to embody my own individual spirit of manhood, to feel a faith in myself that courses through my veins. To live a life of love, compassion, questioning, wisdom and beauty and to feel a part, just a fraction, of what is possible of all men on this planet. When I embody these things better, hold them dearer and closer, anger will have no place, for it will no longer be needed for protection. I will feel a Fire in my Belly, which I have felt before, and I will do the best humanly possible to be the change I want to see in the world and love all beings and feel beauty in every moment as it radiates from me with warm, powerful energy.
This passage from Fire in the Belly gave me an unexpected reaction, I got angry. I wanted to shout out that women have no right to understand men, you will never understand me! You have treated me so poorly! Immediately I was mindful of my anger and looked deeper. I realized that this reaction is at the heart of what I am trying to do as a human being in my life right now; embody myself so deeply that no one can take it away.
I realize that I have been deeply scarred by women, my mind and compassion have been abused and taken for granted, my body and spirit unappreciated...my existence as a man, a male, a sex of an entire species has been wholly overlooked. My goal is to embody my own individual spirit of manhood, to feel a faith in myself that courses through my veins. To live a life of love, compassion, questioning, wisdom and beauty and to feel a part, just a fraction, of what is possible of all men on this planet. When I embody these things better, hold them dearer and closer, anger will have no place, for it will no longer be needed for protection. I will feel a Fire in my Belly, which I have felt before, and I will do the best humanly possible to be the change I want to see in the world and love all beings and feel beauty in every moment as it radiates from me with warm, powerful energy.
Listening to My House
Yesterday, I took down our synthetic Christmas tree and put it away. Today, the sun streamed through the glass doors of our dining room and pasted little lines of golden glow on the pinkish carpet where the tree once stood. As I sat there, eating my breakfast, I though that this would be a great atmosphere to meditate in.
I finished breakfast and returned to the spot, crossed my legs, closed my eyes and began to breath. I still find it difficult to clear my head and remain thoughtless for a prolonged period of time, and frequently I find myself searching for things to meditate on. Today, however, an opportunity presented itself.
As I sat there, eyes closed, breathing deep, I realized the profound silence around me. My house is generally occupied by two parents with severe hearing deficits, so any audio/visual apparatus is maxed out on volume. Needless to say, its extremely noisy! But not this morning. The silence seemed to tell me to listen and to calm down. It was then that I noticed just how many intricate noises exist in the structure I live under.
I noticed the hum of the old computer, coupled with that of the refrigerator pump. Deeper into the meditation I could discern the popping and crackling noises of the wood beneath the walls as they fluctuated with the morning sun's warmth. Some pops were very loud! Outside I could hear the distant thunder of cars on Rt. 1...thank heavens they felt distant!
Although it was a short meditation, my house feels slightly more alive than usual, connected to the temperature outside and the stressed placed upon it by a universe that it and I are intricately connected to!
I finished breakfast and returned to the spot, crossed my legs, closed my eyes and began to breath. I still find it difficult to clear my head and remain thoughtless for a prolonged period of time, and frequently I find myself searching for things to meditate on. Today, however, an opportunity presented itself.
As I sat there, eyes closed, breathing deep, I realized the profound silence around me. My house is generally occupied by two parents with severe hearing deficits, so any audio/visual apparatus is maxed out on volume. Needless to say, its extremely noisy! But not this morning. The silence seemed to tell me to listen and to calm down. It was then that I noticed just how many intricate noises exist in the structure I live under.
I noticed the hum of the old computer, coupled with that of the refrigerator pump. Deeper into the meditation I could discern the popping and crackling noises of the wood beneath the walls as they fluctuated with the morning sun's warmth. Some pops were very loud! Outside I could hear the distant thunder of cars on Rt. 1...thank heavens they felt distant!
Although it was a short meditation, my house feels slightly more alive than usual, connected to the temperature outside and the stressed placed upon it by a universe that it and I are intricately connected to!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Silence and Solitude
One thing that is standing out to me at this stage in my life is just how much I enjoy being alone and quiet. I have always enjoyed the quiet and solitude that is to be had in life, those precious moments when you realize that you are alone and your thoughts can expand to fill the universe and there is no need to share them with another consciousness. Although I recognize that I adore solitude and silence, it troubles me how frequently I learn that people are afraid of it.
I bring this up because I am conflicted about something. I am extraordinarily fortunate to have friends that call me and ask me on a regular basis to hang out with them, to go drinking, to watch movies. What I am conflicted about is that more often than not, I turn them down. I am socially gifted, I put people at ease and I love being around people, but at the end of my day, I look forward to returning home, to silence, to reading, to running, to writing my thoughts and explorations here. I even drive home in complete silence 90% of the time to quiet my mind after 8 hours of pounding shopping music. I am not scared of socializing, I would just rather be alone or with my deep loved ones. How do I explain that? I guess in time the answer will obviate itself.
The flip side of this is the people that are afraid of silence and being alone, that must always have people around or have music playing. A friend of mine recently returned from a study abroad for a semester. He has been back for about 2 weeks and has sent me a slurry of texts, phone calls and stop ins to my place of work. I could tell that he was agitated and he explained that he does not do well with being alone and silence! I also was told by a different friend totally unrelated that she also has a hard time with solitude and silence, if she is alone and in the house, she has to put music on to alleviate tension.
What is this tension? Why are people scared of being alone and silent? It makes me sad to think of the anxiety that so soothing a thing as silence can cause in the minds of scared people. This brings to mind a passage that resonated with me in the book, The Wisdom of the Native Americans. "All who have lived much out of doors, whether Indian or otherwise, know that there is a magnetic and powerful force that accumulates in solitude but is quickly dissipated by life in a crowd." This passage was collected from the writings of Ohiyesa, or his white name, Charles Alexander Eastman. Ohiyesa dedicated his life towards the advocacy of Native American life and the passage is still applicable.
How can one ever hope to have a successful and happy life, ever hope to sustain a truthful and deep companionship or marriage, ever hope to exist wholly if they fear themselves?
"After the bath, we stand erect before the advancing dawn, facing the sun as it dances upon the horizon, and offer our unspoken prayer. Our mate may proceed or follow us in our devotions, but never accompanies us. Each soul must meet the morning sun, the new sweet earth, and the Great Silence alone."
- Ohiyesa
I bring this up because I am conflicted about something. I am extraordinarily fortunate to have friends that call me and ask me on a regular basis to hang out with them, to go drinking, to watch movies. What I am conflicted about is that more often than not, I turn them down. I am socially gifted, I put people at ease and I love being around people, but at the end of my day, I look forward to returning home, to silence, to reading, to running, to writing my thoughts and explorations here. I even drive home in complete silence 90% of the time to quiet my mind after 8 hours of pounding shopping music. I am not scared of socializing, I would just rather be alone or with my deep loved ones. How do I explain that? I guess in time the answer will obviate itself.
The flip side of this is the people that are afraid of silence and being alone, that must always have people around or have music playing. A friend of mine recently returned from a study abroad for a semester. He has been back for about 2 weeks and has sent me a slurry of texts, phone calls and stop ins to my place of work. I could tell that he was agitated and he explained that he does not do well with being alone and silence! I also was told by a different friend totally unrelated that she also has a hard time with solitude and silence, if she is alone and in the house, she has to put music on to alleviate tension.
What is this tension? Why are people scared of being alone and silent? It makes me sad to think of the anxiety that so soothing a thing as silence can cause in the minds of scared people. This brings to mind a passage that resonated with me in the book, The Wisdom of the Native Americans. "All who have lived much out of doors, whether Indian or otherwise, know that there is a magnetic and powerful force that accumulates in solitude but is quickly dissipated by life in a crowd." This passage was collected from the writings of Ohiyesa, or his white name, Charles Alexander Eastman. Ohiyesa dedicated his life towards the advocacy of Native American life and the passage is still applicable.
How can one ever hope to have a successful and happy life, ever hope to sustain a truthful and deep companionship or marriage, ever hope to exist wholly if they fear themselves?
"After the bath, we stand erect before the advancing dawn, facing the sun as it dances upon the horizon, and offer our unspoken prayer. Our mate may proceed or follow us in our devotions, but never accompanies us. Each soul must meet the morning sun, the new sweet earth, and the Great Silence alone."
- Ohiyesa
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Why I Run.
While reading Zen and the Art of Running, the author asks the reader to be very mindful and answer one question; "why do you run?" This question has been posed to me many times before, although, at those times, I was not as serious about running as I am now. Why am I a serious runner? Why do I even use the word serious do define my running? This post is most likely going to be edited numerous times...maybe edited until the day I die as my philosophy on life and running evolves.
Of course I enjoy running, it keeps me in shape, I look and feel better etc, but more importantly, running and exercise help balance my life. When I first started working retail at EMS, I quickly realized that the "working world" was not for me. I find it absurd for a society that calls itself advanced, civilized and intellectual to have inhabitants that spend the vast majority of their waking life working hard to just barely make ends meet. The U.S. is recognized as one of the most disconnected and unhappy cultures in the world by numerous scales of measurement. Yet we still have a phobia of government and refuse to implement a robust social safety net for fear that it will mimic socialism and communism. I cant even begin to count how many times socialism was used as a fear inducing propaganda word to poison Obama's potential election, and the mere fact that it was used in an attempt to induce fear in the American populace illustrates that politicians recognize just how ignorant American's tend to be. Instead of socialism, currently, the big fear is U.S. debt. Democracy only works when the populace is informed! Of course, you will only hear my complaint if you feel that improving the overall quality of life should be our primary goal as human beings. If this is not your opinion, what is it, and do you vote with compassion in mind?
I see exhaustion, fear, depression, anger and a loss of spirituality in the faces of many customers at my job. It is not because these people were born this way, their minds and spirits have been broken by the everyday grind of a poor economy, no job security, failed marriages, lack of exercise, extremely poor diet etc. So far, I have been extremely fortunate in life but I recognized that I had started to take on the characteristics of these 30-55 year old workhorses due to my own job.
Once I recognized this, I refused to accept life as it is known to most American's as the way that it has to be. As humans, we are gifted with one of the most complex structures in the universe, our minds. With this tool, we can imagine and implement a better way of existence! Many of my co-workers look at me like I'm crazy when I bring topics like these up. They have already accepted their "fate" and believe that humans are inherently evil and self-serving, hence our current state of affairs. I reject this too! Yes, we can be extremely selfish, but we can also be extremely compassionate. As a matter of fact, we are neurologically wired for compassion and love. We have no choice but to feel the pain or joy of other people...it is part of our human condition.
When negativity surrounds me, I try to remember one thing, as a species, we have not been on this planet long. Our existence is but a splinter in the forest of time. We are going to screw things up along the way but, as Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "The arc of the universe is long, but it bends towards justice." Is it not possible then to bend this arc as much as possible in our own lives? To live more freely, more compassionately? This is why I run.
Each and every morning I get up to greet the morning with an energetic "Good morning!" I throw on my running gear and make the conscious choice to be the artist of my day and start it off with physical and mental exercise. It regulates my diet and helps regulate my mood. Running gives me the choice to remain dedicated to my life and its health and to embody a fraction of the change that I want to see in this world. I don't rely on politicians, scientists, artists etc to improve the quality of life, I rely on myself. If I can dedicate myself to compassion, physical and mental health and other people, than I have succeeded in becoming an example of what is possible! Running every day is not just healthy, it is symbolic of my dedication to improving the quality of life of myself and the world around me.
Of course I enjoy running, it keeps me in shape, I look and feel better etc, but more importantly, running and exercise help balance my life. When I first started working retail at EMS, I quickly realized that the "working world" was not for me. I find it absurd for a society that calls itself advanced, civilized and intellectual to have inhabitants that spend the vast majority of their waking life working hard to just barely make ends meet. The U.S. is recognized as one of the most disconnected and unhappy cultures in the world by numerous scales of measurement. Yet we still have a phobia of government and refuse to implement a robust social safety net for fear that it will mimic socialism and communism. I cant even begin to count how many times socialism was used as a fear inducing propaganda word to poison Obama's potential election, and the mere fact that it was used in an attempt to induce fear in the American populace illustrates that politicians recognize just how ignorant American's tend to be. Instead of socialism, currently, the big fear is U.S. debt. Democracy only works when the populace is informed! Of course, you will only hear my complaint if you feel that improving the overall quality of life should be our primary goal as human beings. If this is not your opinion, what is it, and do you vote with compassion in mind?
I see exhaustion, fear, depression, anger and a loss of spirituality in the faces of many customers at my job. It is not because these people were born this way, their minds and spirits have been broken by the everyday grind of a poor economy, no job security, failed marriages, lack of exercise, extremely poor diet etc. So far, I have been extremely fortunate in life but I recognized that I had started to take on the characteristics of these 30-55 year old workhorses due to my own job.
Once I recognized this, I refused to accept life as it is known to most American's as the way that it has to be. As humans, we are gifted with one of the most complex structures in the universe, our minds. With this tool, we can imagine and implement a better way of existence! Many of my co-workers look at me like I'm crazy when I bring topics like these up. They have already accepted their "fate" and believe that humans are inherently evil and self-serving, hence our current state of affairs. I reject this too! Yes, we can be extremely selfish, but we can also be extremely compassionate. As a matter of fact, we are neurologically wired for compassion and love. We have no choice but to feel the pain or joy of other people...it is part of our human condition.
When negativity surrounds me, I try to remember one thing, as a species, we have not been on this planet long. Our existence is but a splinter in the forest of time. We are going to screw things up along the way but, as Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "The arc of the universe is long, but it bends towards justice." Is it not possible then to bend this arc as much as possible in our own lives? To live more freely, more compassionately? This is why I run.
Each and every morning I get up to greet the morning with an energetic "Good morning!" I throw on my running gear and make the conscious choice to be the artist of my day and start it off with physical and mental exercise. It regulates my diet and helps regulate my mood. Running gives me the choice to remain dedicated to my life and its health and to embody a fraction of the change that I want to see in this world. I don't rely on politicians, scientists, artists etc to improve the quality of life, I rely on myself. If I can dedicate myself to compassion, physical and mental health and other people, than I have succeeded in becoming an example of what is possible! Running every day is not just healthy, it is symbolic of my dedication to improving the quality of life of myself and the world around me.
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